Often, when people hear the word ‘conflict,’ an uncomfortable wave passes over them; they experience a sense of dread or an immediate impulse toward avoidance. But conflict should be seen as an opportunity. It creates possibilities for communication, change, and growth. So, how do we go from dread to anticipation? It starts with recognizing why we get triggered by conflict and then learning to calm our brains. The result is an opportunity to respond more reasonably and gain a deeper understanding of yourself, others, and your shared circumstances.
The Origins of Conflict Avoidance
First, it is helpful to dig into our memory banks and explore where we learned about conflict. It typically starts in our homes, watching parents, interacting with siblings or other family members, and seeing how our immediate tribe engages when there is a problem.
In my family, there was no visible conflict between my parents. In their generation, it was not appropriate to fight in front of the children. I had no idea that conflict was a normal part of a relationship. In my experience, it was something to avoid; if you found yourself going down that road in your relationship, you should give in to make things all right again.
I can remember having a married couple over for dinner one time. The husband was talking about how he put the children to bed, and the wife turned to him and said, “Really?” My chest immediately tightened, and I thought, “Wow! She’s starting a conflict! What is she doing?!” The husband then reasserted how he puts the children to bed on many nights, and the wife said, “Not really, that does not happen.” My alarm bells went off: “What is she doing?! She’s keeping the conflict going!”
It was then that I realized if I was having panic for other people in conflict, this must have been something I needed to address in myself.
The Core of Conflict
Let’s start by looking at what conflict is. Conflict occurs when there are disagreements or opposing views. It is generally associated with a change in emotion. We can feel when we are in conflict. I always tell parents, when you feel emotional, you know you are in a power struggle with your child. The same concept applies here. If you feel something negative, from annoyance to full-blown anger, then you know you are in conflict. The brain feels threatened in some way, so it is protecting us, getting us ready for battle.
Step 1 in dealing with conflict is to calm the nervous system. We can’t think clearly when emotionally aroused. Our system is preparing us to fight, not to think straight. So, the rule is to calm down and not respond immediately with significant content. Do not send an email immediately, and do not say what is on your mind verbally or in writing.
Instead, take some deep breaths, focusing on the exhale. The inhale is our accelerator—it gets us going; the exhale is our brakes—it slows the system down. A good rule of thumb is to wait at least 5 minutes to respond to an email.
In conversation, use neutral statements to buy time, such as:
- “That’s an interesting thought.”
- “I hear your perspective.”
- “I can see why others might think that.”
- “Let me try to understand what you are saying.”
Then you should add some other time stalling techniques along these lines:
- “I need to think about that for a minute.”
- “Let me get back to you in a bit.”
There are many ways to stall giving a response, but the critical point is to calm the nervous system. It gets easier when you no longer see conflict as a threat, and your nervous system does not consider it a trigger for fight or flight.
The next step is to understand why your brain feels there is a threat. This is a personal journey and very much an individual issue. Common issues include feeling out of control, inadequate, and belittled. These issues are typically tied to our core sense of self and beliefs based on our personal identity or upbringing. Not feeling good enough is a pervasive insecurity for many of us.
Triggers at Work and Home
Tying this back to conflict, if a co-worker or life partner makes a comment that somehow strikes a trigger, then you will feel the emotional arousal signaling danger.
For example, perhaps your boss says, “Are you sure you should have done it this way?” Your brain might interpret this as a signal that you are not good enough, and you may immediately go into fight-or-flight emotional arousal. If you stay calm, you might be able to see that your boss just wants more information about how you approached the problem, further clarification, or greater confidence about the answer. The simple question had nothing to do with your competence at all.
Let’s take an example from a personal relationship. Your partner says that the food you made is too salty. You get triggered right away and feel assaulted. Now, take a deep breath, and calm your system down. It might be that it is too salty. It’s not a big deal. It might be your partner is dehydrated or has some other issue going on. It is not the end of the world, and it does not mean you are not good enough. It just means the food tastes too salty to your partner.
Turning Conflict Into Opportunity
So, the steps for handling potential conflicts are:
- Notice: Be body aware. Notice that your neck is prickly, your stomach or chest is tight, your head hurts, or whatever physiological response is happening.
- Breathe: Slow things down, get your brain out of fight-or-flight mode, and take some breaths.
- Take Stock: Ask yourself, “Why is this bothering me? What core issue is being triggered?”
- Respond: Either use a stall tactic to think of a better response when your brain is more focused, or, if you can focus, make a rational response that is not about you.
- Praise: Congratulate yourself for handling the event! Thank your brain for trying to be helpful, but re-train it to be less triggered. Each time you successfully recover, it gets easier.
Instead of responding immediately, impulsively, and emotionally, you can evaluate situations more reasonably by going through this process. A calmer response creates better understanding and allows for more effective communication, building bridges instead of burning them.
Resources:
Andrew Weil’s breathing techniques
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8fjYPC-k2k
Brené Brown on shame
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame/transcript?language=en
